Prior to the 20th century Chinese emperors reserved a specific kind of torture and execution for crimes considered especially heinous, such as treason. The process involved cutting the body of the condemned many times over an extended period until death ensued. The Chinese term for this form of execution is Lingchi, but in the West it became know as “death by a thousand cuts.”
With the possible exception of some former POWs, most people have never experienced anything even remotely similar to that of a Lingchi prisoner. Thus, it is very difficult to imagine what it must have been like to endure that type of protracted pain.
But the partner of a sex addict does not have to try to imagine it, she lives it–prolonged, heart-piercing, emotional pain. This is particularly the case for staggered disclosure, whereby an addict, upon discovery, will share some of his acting-out history, claiming he has revealed everything. Later more acting-out history comes to light with the addict again falsely declaring that this time he’s told all. This scenario often repeats itself many times.
Such repetition is unbelievably traumatic to the partner. The addict has already inflicted severe emotional damage by acting-out and then compounds that damage by staggered disclosure. The partner’s hope that the addict has finally told the whole truth is destroyed, trust is completely obliterated, fears multiply that the addict may still be withholding additional acting-out information. This is why partners can so easily identify with the term, “death by a thousand cuts.”
The addict needs to develop empathy for the wounds inflicted by staggered disclosure: imagining what it must feel like for her to be cut time after time, putting himself in her place and, as much as possible, letting himself feel what she must be feeling. Walt Whitman said it best, “I do not ask the wounded person how she feels, I myself become the wounded person.”
Empathy skills can be learned and nurtured. Help in doing so is available via books, videos, workbooks, counseling, and support groups. Learning to empathize with the depth of her pain, especially when staggered disclosure occurs, is an absolute essential for deep, genuine healing to take place.
~Dr. Bixler