There are scores of people who have a decreased ability to digest lactose, a sugar found in dairy products. Symptoms such as abdominal pain and nausea can develop if milk-based foods or liquids are consumed. This condition is called lactose intolerance.
Sex addicts develop their own kind of intolerance, not to food products, but to negative emotions. They never learned to deal constructively with difficult feelings such as anxiety, loneliness, shame, instead, resorting to acting-out as a way to escape, numb, or avoid them. Telling themselves they can’t handle feeling badly at all, acting-out is then deemed a necessity.
Acting-out does, in fact, relieve negative feelings, but the relief is short-lived. Soon afterward an emotional tidal wave hits the addict: a strong sense of shame at failing again, or guilt at betraying one’s partner, or a sense of helplessness, or fear of getting caught. All the “advantages” of avoiding negative emotions are swept away by the flood of even stronger adverse feelings.
Why does the addict then return time and again to acting-out when the end result is always the same? It is all he knows! He reasons that some relief, however temporary, is better than none.
There is a way out of this dilemma. The solution is to learn to tolerate and deal constructively with negative emotions/experiences. Numerous healthy resources and strategies are available to assist the addict in overcoming emotional intolerance, but it will take time and practice.
The following suggestions, while not exhaustive, illustrate many approaches the addict can utilize instead of acting-out:
—Seek out sex addiction counseling
—Practice mindfulness and mindful meditation
—Exercise regularly
—Use relaxation imagery
—Utilize prayer and spiritual readings
—Join a support group
—Listen to music
—Enjoy being in nature
The above strategies can help the addict face negative emotions and learn to deal with them constructively. However, some painful experiences, such as the death of a loved one, may need to be endured, rather than eliminated. Enduring the pain in isolation is not helpful or necessary. Share grief with a friend, family member, or sponsor, and, perhaps, join a grief support group.
Lastly, some emotional pain may be due to wounds that trace back to childhood. Emotional, sexual, physical abuse can create deep-seated trauma. In such a case, it is advisable to seek out a trauma-focused therapist who can relieve much of the pain from the past.
Negative emotions need not be avoided, but can be processed in a variety of healthy ways. Practicing these approaches can significantly decrease negative emotion intolerance and move the addict further along the path to recovery.
~Dr. Bixler