Homer, in his epic poem, The Odyssey, describes the many adventures of the Greek king, Ulysses, during his ten year journey back to his home after the Trojan War. In one particularly harrowing episode, he is forced to sail through a narrow strait. On one side sits Scylla, a six-headed creature who will devour everyone within her reach. On the other side is Charybdis, an evil being who can create a terrible ship-destroying whirlpool. Sailing too close to either side of the strait will bring certain ruin.
Over time this narrative has morphed into a powerful metaphor. “To be between Scylla and Charybdis” means being caught between two equally negative alternatives.
Sex addiction recovery has its own Scylla and Charybdis. On one side of the metaphorical strait is the threat of over-confidence. As the addict gains sobriety he may be tempted to presume he’s got everything under control. Complacency sets in, 12-Step attendance declines, check-in calls drop off, recovery reading lessens. Danger lurks. The stage is now set for a slip or relapse.
On the other side of the strait is the peril of recovery anxiety. In this state of mind the addict lives in perpetual fear that a slip can occur at any time. He is constantly looking over his shoulder waiting for the addictive urge to take control. Even as he does the good work of recovery there is no sense of inner peace. These fears can actually increase vulnerability to acting-out as a means to gain relief from them.
There is a way to sail straight and true between these two great hazards. That approach can be characterized as Confident Vigilance. Let’s look at the meaning embodied in that two-word term. Addicts can truly develop healthy confidence regarding their efforts. Thousands of sex addicts can attest to the efficacy of conscientiously doing their recovery work. They sincerely believe that, “If you work the program, the program works.” Nurturing this confidence allows one to avoid being overcome by recovery anxiety.
Vigilance is needed, however, to avoid the peril of over-confident apathy or complacency. Examples of vigilance include, e.g., keeping aware of triggers, identifying and preparing for potentially vulnerable situations, avoiding middle circle behaviors, staying connected to your recovery fellowship. Being vigilant is not running scared–it is being prepared.
By maintaining Confident Vigilance one can truly avoid steering into one or the other danger. Sailing neither to the left nor the right, but always straight ahead, will bring a greater sense of peace and fulfillment on your recovery journey.
~Dr. Bixler