It was just one sentence, spoken with utmost sincerity and without any hint of irony, humor, or sarcasm. Fred, my sex addict client, was referring to one particular escort he had been seeing regularly for months. His belief about this woman was stunning in its simplicity and transparency: “You know, Dr. Bixler, I think she’d want to be with me even if I didn’t pay her.”
When I ask my s.a. clients the meaning of this quote, most make sense of it right away. To paraphrase Fred’s original statement, in essence, he is saying, “You know, Dr. Bixler, I think she really likes me.” Fred has convinced himself that his relationship with this woman isn’t a business arrangement, i.e., paying for services rendered. Rather, he takes comfort in believing that she is drawn to him, not because he’s a loyal customer, but because she values and likes him as a person. He has an intense longing to believe this despite all evidence to the contrary. His belief shines a bright light on what actually drives many, if not most, addicts to act-out.
Sex addicts feel affirmed by believing that whoever they’re with sexually has a real interest in them and enjoys pleasing them. It is similar when viewing porn, except the fantasizing is about someone on screen. I have asked many clients I’ve worked with to imagine a sexual encounter, real or fantasized, in which the woman is clearly uninterested in him. She appears bored, not involved, flat, going through the motions only. Every addict, without exception, has stated that they would quickly exit the scene, literally or in the fantasy.
Many sex addicts were raised in homes where they were subject to criticism, emotional abuse or neglect, lack of affection and an absence of affirmation. Their needs to feel valued, wanted, cared for, or affirmed were never met. Acting-out sexually was the closest they ever come to getting those needs met. But, of course, acting-out never truly meets those needs, rather, it offers a poor substitute which ends up causing the addict (and partner) great harm.
Overcoming sex addiction includes the painful acceptance of reality–that imagining the escort or fantasized person really likes you is a myth. A myth created to numb the pain of emotional intimacy needs never met. The good news is that developing emotional intimacy skills is possible no matter what your age or circumstance. As you develop the capacity to become emotionally intimate, the pseudo-intimacy beliefs (like Fred’s) can give way to healthy connections with others.
—Dr. Bixler